As Becki approached her 40th birthday, becoming a mum was the one part of her life plan that hadn't yet come true. She'd spent her twenties and thirties travelling and building a career as a singer, and now she was ready to explore her options alone. What followed was a fertility journey she navigated largely by herself, but never entirely on her own.
Here, Becki tells her story in her own words, and shows how being 40 and not having a partner doesn't have to be a barrier to starting a family.
Prefer to watch? Click here to view Becki talking about her journey
I always knew I wanted to be a mum
As I was reaching my 40s, one thing I knew about my life plan was to be a mum. It just sadly hadn't happened for me, I'd never met somebody. I'd spent a lot of my twenties and thirties travelling and chasing my career dreams, and I started to think, how am I going to do this? I realised, it was probably going to be on my own.
Becki at work as a wedding singer
I researched fertility options, I didn't really know anything about it, and I came across Care Fertility in Manchester, which is quite near where we live. Manchester's a place I hold dear to my heart because I've lived there and I just loved the city. I booked an appointment and didn't tell anyone. I just came down on my own for an initial consultation, to understand a little bit about it all, and it gave me something to think about and to understand what was happening in my own body. I'd got to nearly 40 and I didn't even know if I could have children.
I decided to discuss it with my family and see if I had their support, because if I was going to bring up a child on my own, I knew I'd need my parents to help with childcare, and just to be there for me through the process. I told a few friends too, and they were really happy for me, and proud of me, for making the decision.
I don't think my parents quite understood what it was going to entail. They'd heard of IVF and knew there'd be costs and extensive treatment involved, but I did feel I needed to explain it all to them. I think a lot of people had assumed that, with me being single and nearly 40 and not having a child, I didn't want one. I've even had people ask over the years, so you don't want children then? And it's never been that. I've just never said it out loud, it's just not happened for me.
In early 2023 I turned 40, and literally that week I started the process of IVF.
I had to just go for it
I was really nervous about the whole process. I wasn't quite sure if I was a strong enough person to go through it. I watched a lot of videos online, found accounts on TikTok and Instagram of women who'd been through the same thing, got the books, asked people who'd been through it themselves. I like to get all my information together before I make decisions. But I'm somebody who suffers from anxiety, and I can really overthink things, so I could easily sit with my own thoughts and talk myself out of it. I did, at the beginning, I was worried if I could afford to go private, if I could handle it on my own, and the thought of my hormones being raised, when I already get anxious, worried me too.
But I know I'm a resilient girl, and I can be really strong when it comes to big life changes, so I just had to go for it. I always think if you want something in life, no matter how hard it is, it's going to be worth it in the end. And I knew the most important thing was to keep talking about it to my friends and family, because they were there for me no matter what the outcome was going to be.
You need somebody to hold your hand
The thought of injecting myself daily really scared me. I even spoke to a friend who's a nurse about it and she offered to come to my house every morning. Living on my own, I didn't have anyone else to ask, but luckily my mum came round every day to help.
I found the visits to Manchester so refreshing. I was always greeted by lovely people, some of the nurses would comment on how I was dressed and we'd have really nice chats, which put my mind at ease and distracted me a little from what was actually going to happen with the tests and scans. I'd be lying there on my own, and it was just nice to know that even though the nurses were kind of strangers to me, I had somebody by my side. My parents often came with me too, but I did a lot of it on my own, because that's the kind of girl I am, I like to feel independent. But I think you've got to be a bit more vulnerable when you're going through this, and no matter how strong you think you are, you need other people's help. You need somebody to hold your hand. I may have chosen to become a mum on my own, but I didn't need to go through the process on my own. I had to let my walls down and let people in.
Becki and her mum at one of her appointments at Care Fertility Manchester
The treatment got easier as it went along, as I got more used to it. My hormones and my anxiety went up and down quite a lot, which had an effect on my work, I work for myself, so I had to really give myself a break and take some time out to focus on what was more important, which was potentially trying to get pregnant.
I decided to go for the IVF package that gives you two rounds, just because financially it works out more affordable should the first round not work. Obviously, being single, I had to use a sperm donor, and again I used the clinic's advice about different sperm banks, and chose the European sperm bank. I often tell this story, that it was the weirdest online shopping I've ever done, I quite literally had to add sperm to the basket and check out at the end.
I was really fortunate that at my egg collection they collected six eggs. I know people often talk about how many eggs they get, but I didn't want to compare myself to anyone else's story, I was just quite chuffed they got more than one. The six eggs became three embryos, and the first embryo that was transferred resulted in a positive pregnancy. I was just so fortunate it worked first time, because I don't know how quickly I could have tried again. I don't think there's much point looking back and thinking what if it hadn't worked, because it did. But I imagine a lot of women do wonder if they could go through it all again if it was to fail. I'm really grateful it worked first time for me.
Pregnant, and on my own
I found pregnancy really, really tough. I used to feel very sorry for myself at home on my own with my dogs, trying to do things while heavily pregnant, and I sometimes used to think, why am I doing this on my own? I think because you're so hormonal, you're just so grumpy at times, and I found it really difficult. I had gestational diabetes, which I thought was the end of the world when they told me, and it really wasn't, I blame the hormones. I also had a low-lying placenta, so they said if it didn't move they'd have to book in a caesarean three weeks before the baby was due.
I was self-employed, and because I had a lot of work booked in my diary as a singer, I carried on going around with all my music equipment, setting up and singing at people's weddings up to eight months pregnant, and teaching children too. I didn't give myself much of a break because I couldn't afford to, and I felt the whole can't-let-people-down voice in my head. So I did find pregnancy really difficult, but towards the end I embraced it more, started sharing pictures of my bump, and accepted it a bit more. It was such a big change for my body, not being able to get comfy at night, and just wishing I had somebody to moan to at home sometimes, or just to move my pillow for me. But once I had my daughter, and I looked back on the photos of me being pregnant, I actually really loved that moment, and that lovely bump, and that nice glow to my skin.
Becki at work as a wedding singer whilst pregnant with Betsy
Becoming a mum
Betsy was born by caesarean on 19th of October 2023. She was due on the 5th of November, firework night, which I thought would be quite cool, but I was really grateful she was a little bit early because we got to have our first Halloween together, my favourite season of the year! My mum was my birthing partner, and the staff were amazing.
Becki's mum was her birthing partner, here they are just after Betsy was delivered via c-section
For the first couple of weeks when I went home, I was told I must rest, and I wasn't quite sure how that happens as a solo parent with a newborn. I did get some support, my mum came and stayed with me for a little while, and the health visitor and midwives checked in on me a few times. I didn't think I was doing a good job at first; it was such a big shock to the system. Becoming a mum was obviously amazing, wonderful, full of love, and I just adored her, but I found it really hard to adjust to at first, and quite lonely at times. I had to be vulnerable and honest about how I felt, and ask people for help, because people really did want to help me. They loved that there was a new baby in the family.
Becki and Betsy settling at home as a new mum and baby, along with her pet pugs
The first part of Betsy's life was a big adjustment, filled with so much pride and happiness, but also a lot of fear and worry about doing it all right. But she changed something in me. There'd been a real sense of loneliness in my life for quite some time, and I just stopped feeling that, because I had somebody now to love, and somebody who was going to love me back. I felt completed in the most wholesome way. It was such a beautiful new beginning, a new chapter to my life, knowing I had somebody to really care for. I'd travelled and moved about and chased my career, never really sitting still, and now I had this baby on my lap who needed me. I had to just slow down and pause, to be present and be the best mum I could be for her.
Sharing my story
After having Betsy, I decided I wanted to talk about my journey in a way that could help others. I've got quite a few people who follow me because of what I do as a singer, so I used that platform to share my story, and it's been really powerful. Some people have just watched it and commented, but I've also had people message me directly, and I've met people for coffee to talk about it, and shared details of the clinic I used. Everything I went through was worthwhile because I got Betsy from it, but I also think it's been worthwhile because I can now help and inspire others.
Becki and Betsy celebrating Becki's favourite season of the year
I was lucky to have two more embryos, and I paid for storage for a few years. I always knew it would just be one child for me, but it took me a long time to work out what to do with them. I contacted Care Fertility, and they put me in touch with a counsellor who talked me through my options, and I was so relieved. I just think there needs to be a bit more support and understanding for women going through that.
Do what's right for you
If I was to give advice to somebody who's thinking about this or doesn't understand what their options are to become a mum, I'd definitely reach out to somebody else who's gone through a fertility journey. I found that really helpful, I went for a coffee with a lady near me who'd done it, and she was so happy to help. Definitely explore your options, just by booking a chat or a consultation with a fertility clinic. We're very good at investing in ourselves with beauty products and cosmetics, but we sometimes forget what's within, and our fertility is equally, if not more, important.
Sadly, I didn't get much advice at all from my GP and was told that going down the NHS route could take some time. So, I do think it's worth exploring the clinics near you and going to see somebody for that professional chat. And I don't think you should be scared of doing something because of what other people are going to think. It did cross my mind that people might think, oh, she's having a baby on her own, she's using a sperm donor. But at the end of the day, it's my life and my choices, and I think the people who matter would never judge you for how you've gone about it, whether it's involved money or not, a donor or not. I would never judge any of my friends for having hair extensions or their lips filled, so why would anyone judge me for choosing to use a donor to have a baby? You've just got to do what's right for you.
What next?
Becki's story shows how different every fertility journey can be. There can be waiting, uncertainty and decisions you never expected to make, especially when you're navigating them on your own. If this sounds like you, don't hesitate to reach out to our patient enquiry team, call 0800 564 2270 or click here to get in touch.
Watch Becki talk about her journey
